Here, Selina shares how she uses knitting to support her wellbeing, create something meaningful to her, and live better.
As a child I had been taught to knit by my Granny and had, over the years, produced the occasional rather plain stocking stitch jumper or cardigan but little else.
As a survivor of in-care abuse and trauma, I was put in touch with Future Pathways through the Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry team. Re-engaging with my childhood trauma was a very hard process to go through but was needed to enable my younger self’s voice to finally be heard through the giving of my Witness Statement.
I began to find solace at this very difficult time by the simple act of picking up my knitting needles once more and free knitting a couple of blankets using different colours and textured stitches. The very act of knitting, as well as producing something warm and comforting, was crucial to maintaining my emotional well-being despite the numerous flashbacks I was experiencing.
I talked to my Future Pathways Support Coordinator about my knitting and how much I was enjoying it. Much to my astonishment, he suggested that they would help me purchase some yarn so I could knit something meaningful to me at this time.
Well, I was in yarn heaven looking online at all the colours and types of yarn on offer. I like knitting with natural fibres and found the best colour palette selection was a 4ply (quite a thin yarn) in 100% Alpaca that I could knit with double thread (i.e. one colour each from two different balls at the same time) which would enable colour transitions as well as texture.
The colours on offer started me thinking about the association I wanted to make with my knitting, my Witness Statement and the process I was going through. I began to realise that my childhood was divided into three phases: pre-boarding school in East Africa (happy); in boarding school in Scotland (miserable); and post boarding school in the desert by the Nile in Africa (happy).
I let the colours choose themselves which I know sounds odd but I literally saw the blue sky, the vivid sea, the red sand, the freezing winter etc all represented on the website screen in the yarn.
A couple of days later, 20 balls of soft and squishy alpaca were delivered to me and I knew I could work with this incredibly tactile material in an emotionally free but calm way. This would enable me to create something that would be significant at this time but also help me safely capture the awful middle part of my childhood within the happier times in Africa.
The answer was a poncho knitted in two strips in garter stitch that I could wear to keep me warm and give me comfort whilst also clearly showing in colour the three phases of my childhood.
When I knitted the first half, I used black to denote bad memories amongst the other colours. When I had completed it, I realised that even in my happy times in Africa there were a couple of black lines: a monkey being kept in a tiny cage; animals being slaughtered in the streets after Ramadan.
This struck me very much and, extraordinarily, that visual representation helped me accept and engage with the awful boarding school memories in an easier but more determined manner.
The other half of my poncho I used to represent the colours of the three countries from the kitenge cloth, to the sky, to the landscape. Putting the poncho on was such a therapeutic but comforting experience as finally the boarding school time was visually evident but sandwiched and surrounded by better memories and experiences.
There was quite a bit of alpaca left after the trauma poncho and I had this need to knit myself back into the present away from those memories. I felt that using the leftover wool might bring me peace through that linkage of past and present in my knitting.
I have always felt inspired by the natural environment around me and, in the spirit of letting the colours and textures guide me, I once again picked up my needles. I love sunrises and sunsets which are indeed “…infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature…” ( – Rachel Carson, Silent Spring) and I found myself knitting a Sunrise Sunset Throw to bring me colour and comfort.
Whilst the boarding school time will forever haunt me, physically knitting the memories out of me has definitely helped me to live better despite them and with them. I continue to knit inspired by nature as it is forever changing, never ceases to bring me much joy and there is never a dull day.
