Here, Selina shares how she uses knitting to support her wellbeing, create something meaningful to her, and live better.
As a child I had been taught to knit by my Granny and had, over the years, produced the occasional rather plain stocking stitch jumper or cardigan but little else.
As a survivor of in-care abuse and trauma, I was put in touch with Future Pathways through the Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry team. Re-engaging with my childhood trauma was a very hard process to go through but was needed to enable my younger self’s voice to finally be heard through the giving of my Witness Statement.
I began to find solace at this very difficult time by the simple act of picking up my knitting needles once more and free knitting a couple of blankets using different colours and textured stitches. The very act of knitting, as well as producing something warm and comforting, was crucial to maintaining my emotional well-being despite the numerous flashbacks I was experiencing.
I talked to my Future Pathways Support Coordinator about my knitting and how much I was enjoying it. Much to my astonishment, he suggested that they would help me purchase some yarn so I could knit something meaningful to me at this time.
Well, I was in yarn heaven looking online at all the colours and types of yarn on offer. I like knitting with natural fibres and found the best colour palette selection was a 4ply (quite a thin yarn) in 100% Alpaca that I could knit with double thread (i.e. one colour each from two different balls at the same time) which would enable colour transitions as well as texture.
The colours on offer started me thinking about the association I wanted to make with my knitting, my Witness Statement and the process I was going through. I began to realise that my childhood was divided into three phases: pre-boarding school in East Africa (happy); in boarding school in Scotland (miserable); and post boarding school in the desert by the Nile in Africa (happy).
I let the colours choose themselves which I know sounds odd but I literally saw the blue sky, the vivid sea, the red sand, the freezing winter etc all represented on the website screen in the yarn.
A couple of days later, 20 balls of soft and squishy alpaca were delivered to me and I knew I could work with this incredibly tactile material in an emotionally free but calm way. This would enable me to create something that would be significant at this time but also help me safely capture the awful middle part of my childhood within the happier times in Africa.
The answer was a poncho knitted in two strips in garter stitch that I could wear to keep me warm and give me comfort whilst also clearly showing in colour the three phases of my childhood.
When I knitted the first half, I used black to denote bad memories amongst the other colours. When I had completed it, I realised that even in my happy times in Africa there were a couple of black lines: a monkey being kept in a tiny cage; animals being slaughtered in the streets after Ramadan.
This struck me very much and, extraordinarily, that visual representation helped me accept and engage with the awful boarding school memories in an easier but more determined manner.
The other half of my poncho I used to represent the colours of the three countries from the kitenge cloth, to the sky, to the landscape. Putting the poncho on was such a therapeutic but comforting experience as finally the boarding school time was visually evident but sandwiched and surrounded by better memories and experiences.
There was quite a bit of alpaca left after the trauma poncho and I had this need to knit myself back into the present away from those memories. I felt that using the leftover wool might bring me peace through that linkage of past and present in my knitting.
I have always felt inspired by the natural environment around me and, in the spirit of letting the colours and textures guide me, I once again picked up my needles. I love sunrises and sunsets which are indeed “…infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature…” ( – Rachel Carson, Silent Spring) and I found myself knitting a Sunrise Sunset Throw to bring me colour and comfort.
Whilst the boarding school time will forever haunt me, physically knitting the memories out of me has definitely helped me to live better despite them and with them. I continue to knit inspired by nature as it is forever changing, never ceases to bring me much joy and there is never a dull day.
Trevor shares his latest book with us.
Trevor has recently written a new book. It is called In My Own Words. Trevor describes his latest book:
“The latest work is a collage of short stories and poems. I try to vary my stories to link with popular stories I read long ago. I rewrote some of my early poetry to upgrade ideas. I find
writing useful for exploring ideas or philosophy. I will write another book or two as I have a lot of things I want to explore. I would suggest to anyone that writing is positive for helping you to relate with yourself as well as others in your life.”
Trevor has written several books. They are all available on Amazon here: In My Own Words, Knocking Down the Wall and Knocking on the Wall.
Find out more
Trevor has also shared his thoughts about writing about your own experience. His piece is called ‘Thoughts of Writing.’
Future Pathways works with the Book Whisperers. They are one of our Delivery Partners. They helps writers of all kinds to self-publish their work. We have partnered with them to help people with assisted memoir writing or to help publish books of poetry or children’s books. Discover more about their work in our Meet the Partner interview.
It can feel like a big decision to choose to get support. Here, Mary shares her experience of what it was like for her. And she tells us about why she wants others to get help too.
Hearing about Future Pathways
Mary first heard about Future Pathways from someone she knew who had also been in care. They told Mary that she should contact us for support. But Mary was not sure.
‘I kept putting it off. I thought other people needed Future Pathways more than I did. I wanted to make sure there was enough support for other people. I thought maybe the service wasn’t for me because I hadn’t been in care for as long as other people had. I felt guilty asking for help.’
After a while, Mary decided that she should access support too.
‘I’d been there. I’d been through cruelty for years. I didn’t like asking for help but sometimes you need it.’
Contacting Future Pathways
It took Mary years before she decided to phone us. Some days she would think about calling us then would choose not to. But she thought to herself:
‘Come on, the service is there for a reason. Phone them.’
When she first phoned Future Pathways, Mary felt nervous.
‘Then I told myself that there was nothing to worry about, that someone is helping me for a change. I thought about what had happened to me and why I was calling. And once I had got it in my mind that Future Pathways were there to help me, I could take that first step. After I phoned, I felt reassured.’
Getting support
Now, Mary works with her Support Coordinator to get the right support for herself.
‘I can talk about what happened to me and I can understand it. I can make some good out of this. My Support Coordinator helped me to understand what was going on. I feel entirely different now.’
Mary’s friends have seen a change in her too.
‘My friends have noticed that I seem different now too, that there has been a big change in my life. And getting support for myself means my family can have a break from worrying about me.’
Spreading the word
Mary encourages other people to get support too.
‘I knew other people in the same boat. I realised people were talking about care homes and their experiences and their feelings. And I told them that I had been in care too and been abused. I told them I have been through this too and that I understand.’
Mary would like people to take the first step and get the support that they need.
‘I try to get my friends to see that they can trust Future Pathways. I say ‘Get the help you can. You won’t know until you find out. There are genuine people ready to help you.’ I feel like I have done something for my friends now by telling them that they can get support too.’
Looking ahead
Mary thought about the difference that support has made to her life.
‘I had to do something to help myself. At first, I wasn’t sure if I’d done the right thing in trying to get support. But now, I find it easier to talk about things. I feel stronger. I feel like a different person knowing that help is there. I felt like a door had been unlocked. I have a clear mind now, a better future, enjoying the rest of my life and helping other people. I had a bad start in life but it has got a better end. I’ve got a completely new life.’
Contact us
Choosing to access support can feel like a big decision. People can feel nervous or worried. Sometimes, people are not sure if the service is right for them. If you have any questions about Future Pathways, or if you need help finding out if you can get support, contact us.
Phone us for free: 0808 164 2005 (lines open Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm)
Email: registration@future-pathways.co.uk
Web: www.future-pathways.co.uk
We chat to Josie about how writing a book has helped her to express herself and connect with others.
Future Pathways supported Josie to complete and publish her book, ‘Finally Back to My Routes’.
Josie had been writing for years. Writing helped Josie to express herself through some of the most difficult times of her life. Josie never thought anything would come from her writing. This changed when her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer. Before passing away, Josie’s daughter spoke to Josie about finishing her book. Josie was determined to finish her book for her children.
Accessing her care records helped Josie stitch together the story of her past. Josie also learned that she had a sister she had never met before. Josie and her sister have now been able to meet.
“All of the story was in my records. Everything came flooding out.”
Josie would write for hours. Future Pathways supported Josie to finish and publish her book with the Book Whisperers, a service that provides writing support.
“I surprised myself. It was a brilliant experience. I could get rid of all my anxiety and stress. I would just focus on writing.”
Josie is now a published author. To celebrate, she had a book signing event with family and friends. Writing ‘Finally Back to My Routes,’ allowed Josie to be completely truthful about her past with her loved ones. Her friends and family now know her as someone who is always laughing and joking.
“That old life is gone now. I love my life now. I am in a happier place. I am more ‘me’. And my kids are so proud of me.”
Find out more
Josie’s book is available to buy on Amazon here.
You can also read a longer article about Josie’s support from Future Pathways in the Experiences section of our website.